Creepy Olsen Twins Frighten Me

I'm scared of the Olsen twins. Seriously, there are so many creepy things about Mary-Kate and Ashley, it's hard to know where to begin. Like, why are they ALWAYS touching each other?

Seems like every picture you see of the twins has them snuggled up against one other, with Mary-Kate's arm draped lovingly over Ashley's thigh or Ashley's face buried in Mary-Kate's hair.

I guess I simply don't understand how you could spend virtually every moment of your whole life with someone -- your own sibling, no less -- and be able to stand touching them at all, never mind smooshing up against them like it's all you can do to stop yourself from ramming your tongue down their throat. Again, ewww!

I can't quite wrap my head around the whole Mary-Kate and Ashley fandom thing. They're not good actresses. They don't seem particularly interesting or bright. It takes roughly a Cher's worth of make-up apiece to make them not resemble really skinny orangutans, and a flat of Wildcat to make them anything approaching attractive.

I would suggest everyone who sees New York Minute next weekend file a suit against the Olsens to get their $10 back. Except if you're willing to pay to see that movie, the complexities of launching a lawsuit are probably beyond you. Along with dressing yourself and wiping your own bum unassisted.

So where does this Olsen adoration come from? From teen and pre-teen girls, I guess, and parents who appreciate the twins' squeaky-clean image.

I've got no problem with that. I just hope there's not too much shock and trauma in whitebread North America when some supermarket tabloid headline screams, "OLSEN TWINS CAUGHT IN NAKED COCAINE ORGY! WITH ELVIS! AND BAT BOY!"

This whole "countdown" thing until the twins turn 18 is intensely creepy as well, and that's coming from a guy who has Michelle Trachtenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as his desktop wallpaper.

If you're pervy enough to have fantasies about skanky twin teens that you've been watching on TV since they were in diapers, does them turning 18 somehow make it OK? Gross, gross and also gross.

Teenage girls being exploited as sex objects is nothing new, sadly, and I'm not saying that even I would turn down Lindsay Lohan if she asked me out. Platonically, of course. Yuh-huh. But the level of creepy obsession with the Olsen twins is baffling.

Let me say it again: they are NOT hot. Their money, fame and power might be alluring - the girls will supposedly be worth a billion dollars by the time they're 21 - but all my eye can see is taller, frighteningly thin versions of Full House's little monkey-faced baby. Oh, and my apologies to monkeys everywhere. Ook ook.