March 30, 2003
FDA
Ladies and gentlemen, after two long years, we finally have a new FDA video over at Newgrounds. Check it out, but just a warning, it's a big big movie.
Oh god....
Yet another wonderful Google "I'm Feeling Lucky" find....Words can not express the extreme in sanity of this page.
How Tribalwar Goatse'd The World
Awhile back I was hanging out on Tribalwar Forums and I discovered what has to be one of the funniest incidents involving the goatse man. This is a MUST READ for all of you!! See the pic at the bottom...
After the Sep. 11th attacks on the WTC, Rayn noticed in a movie that there was a weird looking trick of light & dust that basically looked like a devil's face. He of course posted a screenshot of the movie (directly from CNN's website mind you) with the devil face, which included a zoomed in version and the caption "What the fuck is this?"
Well apparently people sent around links of it to friends via email because the picture itself got a lot of hits, and eventually it found its way to an editor for Cnet, who wrote an article which among other things labeled us "fear merchants", and condemned us for photoshopping this "obviously fake" image, which was in fact quite real. He also directly linked to the image off our server (instead of making a local copy on the cnet site.) Well the hate mail rolled in. Lots of people who believed this guy spammed our email addresses telling us what awful, bad, mean, cruel, evil people we where - and how we were going to burn in hell. This was also killing our server because of all the traffic to the one image. Even removing the image wouldnt have helped because of all the "404 - File not found" pages that would be generated.
So we all emailed the guy that wrote the article and explained to him that the picture was in fact real (and we mentioned that any 'reporter' worth his salt would have checked it out before slandering us,) and sent him a direct link to the movie. We also requested that he either take the article down or remove the part about us. In addition we explained that directly linking to the images was not only breaking our server, but costing our sponsors an enormous amount of money.
Instead, he syndicated the article. It went to CNN, Yahoo news, MSNBC, and basically every major news site on the internet. The now enormous amount of traffic to the site/image was litterally killing the server. We emailed all of them begging them to if nothing else delete the link, as it was wrecking our server. We got no replies.
So, Rayn being very swift of thought decided to take some action. Keeping in mind that the image was linked directly to our server, Rayn replaced the image - and we wrote down how much traffic the image had gotten to that point. The image Rayn chose to replace the devil picture with was the goatse.cx man (the guy holding his asshole open wide enough to park a truck in it.) Rayn then informed the people on the forum what he'd done, and they collectively fell out of their chairs laughing. A few pissed themselves.
After a few hours of almost constant laughing, the sites removed the part of the article about our site. We checked the traffic stats on the image. 300,000 people viewed it thinking it was a harmless image linked from their favourite news site - and those same 300,000 people got an eyefull of some guys spleen.
It's widely considered to be what insured our site's place in the books of infamy.
i'm feeling lucky...
The 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button on Google is a wonderful source of fun.....This is what came up when i put in my most favoritest word in the whole world.
GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD
I really didn't want to post this but it's been stuck in my fucking head on and off all god damn day. It's made me regret ever seeing it...Now I present it to you all.
March 29, 2003
Retards...Gotta love em!
Class of 2003 anybody? It's probably not politically correct to find humor in the misfortune of others. I hate to say it though, but funny pictures of retards sure give me a laugh. I found this little gem over at Tribalwar in one of their weekly photoshop threads, the person who originally posted it is the one who came up with the creative names for the mongoloids.
March 28, 2003
The Deacon Effect
Since I am normally very nice to the ladies, so I am told, it is my duty to become an asshole, in the name of science, to see if the Deacon Effect is a valid method of getting women. Now we will find out if this method is at mankind's disposal...
Two ladies will be tested. The two ladies chosen were "Sarah" and "Katie". Katie is the typical nice girl, on one hand she will probably put up with a ton of shit, on the other she probably has idealistic image of how men are supposed to act, think: Gentlemen. Sarah is your typical raving bitch, she won't put up with any shit, on the other hand her image of men is less idealistic and more "bad boy", think: Biker Trash. Both ladies will experience "Sabastian the asshole".
March 27, 2003
March 26, 2003
March 25, 2003
Japan: The bestest country ever!
Japan is on the cutting edge on animated gif art. Quite possibly the greatest gifs every created.
DINNER!!!
Directions: Swallow a can of lima beans whole (No Chewing!). Wait 12 hours. Shit in a large casserole dish. Bake at 350F for 30 mins. ENJOY!!
March 24, 2003
March 22, 2003
People For The oppressive treatment of animals
This is quite possibly the funniest Photoshop gallery I have ever seen. I think I peed my pants.
March 20, 2003
Super hits of the seventies
I strongly urge you to download these songs, and play them at your place of business very loud.
March 19, 2003
Make your own movies..
Fanta Shokata setup this site to make your own ads for their product. Unlimited possibilities!!
Post your flicks in the comments.
The Selected Poems of Van Tu
This is my last ditch effort to stop the war in Iraq. Will erotic poetry about Saddam Hussein work? We'll have to wait and see....
March 18, 2003
Goatse Haiku
Mans gaping anus
All over news sites worldwide
Baby jesus cries
When I see his ass
I look away and call out
jeez is that his spleen?
Goatse rules you hard
I like wide asshole pictures
Goatse rules you hard
Greasy fingers beckon
Sphincter relaxes
The world is your stage.
Blood on both his hands...
Open the secret tunnel...
He's the anus god.
Cavernous asshole
Glistens with its anal phlem
Let's go spelunking
Pulling his Sphincter
Gaping Anal Cavity
Are those my car keys?
Feel free to add your own in the comments....
you go, girlfriend!
Do you suffer from the gay? Are you out of shape? Not getting enough annonimous buttlovin' in public places after dark? Then this is the site for you!
March 17, 2003
BASE Jumpers
I've always been facinated by these crazy fuckers. Damn if they didn't get some killer shots.
March 16, 2003
March 15, 2003
March 14, 2003
MOSCOW RULES
Alternative newspaper weekly in Moscow that gives reviews to local whores. Bonus: If you can prove that Russian Pop group TATU's lesbian antics are fake and for publicity they will buy you 10 free Moscow whores and take you out on a vodka drinking binge.
March 12, 2003
March 10, 2003
March 08, 2003
I'm not sorry at all...
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and bettter than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry that we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.
We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
The "Shittiest" Story Ever!!
My wife and I could not wait to get our hands on a PS2. On the way to Best Buy to get in line we decided to cruise out to Quincy's steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Quincy's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. All I could think about was the new PS2 I was going to get. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagional wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move." For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first talked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.
Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake... you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar.
In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return.
I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle.
There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon. Now, back to the vomit... While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles.
Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants... on the inside... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in crap that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid crap.
All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no darned toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper.
When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign. About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice.
I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing.
She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left the manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Quincy's making minimum wage or just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife.
I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Quincy's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten. Gosh it was a wild night. My wife told everyone in line at Best Buy about what happened to me. Damn wife!
March 07, 2003
Tub Girl! (Not Work or Kid Safe)
Not, REPEAT, Not for the faint of heart!!!!
Should we maybe open a catergory called "Things That Make Elvis Want To Hide And Cry"?
Thanx, not really, to Darkwraith for the link. Now please go and die.
MacGyver
Looking back at old TV shows, I can't seem to understand the facination I saw in shows like the A-Team, Airwolf, and of course MacGyver. As I sit down to watch TV this evening I find MacGyver is on TV Land!!! WOOHOO!! After about 10 mins into the typical cheezy dialog, I spent the evening admiring his mullet and his creative way of creating a death trap out of a toilet roll. I can't believe I used to think this shit was real!
Favorite quote from tonights episode:
"MacGyver we're all going to die and you're giving us geology lessons!!!"
Now we give 3 cheers for MacGyver!!
HIP HIP GAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! Aww fuck it .. He only deserves the one. A special thanks to The Fonz for creating that shite.
March 06, 2003
March 05, 2003
March 04, 2003
leave everything to me!
If you have a problem, and no one else can help, maybe you can find F-Envelope Man
Bibleman
A superhero for our troubed modern times...
Somethings that christians do are funny....Other things make me want to hide in my closet and weep.
Tyrell has problems with referees
This is by far my favorite "Tardblog" entry yet!!
First of all, I wish to dedicate the following event to all my friends, with the exception of DW, who continue to ridicule, harass, and talk shit to me for encouraging and participating in the extra-curricular activities of my students; both former and present.
Fuck you guys. All of you passed up what DW referred to as "Better than a fucking Lakers game."
So it begins, Thursday, four o'clock, I arrive at Tyler and Tyrell's residence to pick them both up. I honk my horn a multitude of times, but no one exits the house. Fuck. I pull up into a handicap parking spot, leave the car running, and run up to their door. After several punches to the door, no one comes. I let myself in.
The home smelled like cats and smoke. The combination of T.V. and CD player almost deafened me. Both boys are on the couch, staring at the set. Tyrell had to be at his basketball game an hour early to practice. I scare the shit out of them both when I walk into the TV room. I ask if they are ready to go, and they say yes. We leave--the TV and CD player remain on, and the girlfriend remains on the dads bed. She is out for the count.
We walk out to my car and there is a cheap-ass rent a cop by my car. He begins to bitch at me for parking in a handicap spot. I need not respond to him, as Tyrell busts out with "Me and my brother have to be in special reading classes." I laughed. Not exactly the response he was looking for.
We all get in the car, the rent-a-cop continues to talk to me. He is signaling at me to roll down my window. I ignore him and slam the car into reverse. We have a basketball game to attend.
We arrive at Tyrell's middle school and drop him off. Tyler and I go get McDonald's. We hit the drive-through, and I buy them both dinner. Tyler eats his in my NEW car, spilling shit all over the place. I ask him to be more careful. He says OK, and continues dropping french fries everywhere.
We then go pick up my friend DW, who has expressed great interest in attending one of the games. DW was a baller in High School, but I actually met him in college, where he continued to star on the court. Sadly, he relied way too much on his image, and not enough on the actual game, so his post-college career has been pathetic. But, at one time, he was quite a star, especially regionally.
Tyrell knew who he was, and it was going to be a surprise for him when we arrived at his game with DW.
So we arrive back at the school, it is 5:00, the game was to start at 5:30. I have DW take Tyrell his food. Tyrell was speechless, all he could muster up was "I saw you on TV." Tyrell then spouted out something about DW and I getting married and adopting him and his brother. This was too much for DW, he returns to the bleachers.
The next twenty minutes is filled with DW bitching at me, Tyler asking DW what it is like to be "really black", and Tyrell trying to show off on the court for DW.
The game finally starts, but Tyrell is not a starter. We could see him bitching to his coach about this, but could not make out any words. Tyrell then points to DW, the coach looks over, Tyrell jumps up and down in temper tantrum, and the one of the starters is pulled. Tyrell is in.
All is normal for a long ass time. Tyrell is on his best behavior, and is playing a great game. Half-time rolls around, and Tyler is throwing his Ju-Ju fruits on the court. He is aiming for the center. DW is encouraging this behavior. I do nothing to stop it, because it is funny. Finally it is announced on the microphone that "anyone throwing objects at or on the court will be asked to leave."
Second half begins, and immediately Tyrell is shoved by a kid on the other team. They talk shit to each other throughout the next 5 minutes of the game. Finally, after the kid makes a remark about his dad being in jail and his teacher having to take care of him, Tyrell's dam breaks.
In the angriest, loudest tone I have ever heard come out of that kids mouth, he screams "Don't make me cotton candy your ass, Mother Fucker!! I'll cotton candy that shit right now, Mother Fucker!" The referee blows his whistle, and throws Tyrell out of the game. Tyrell will not accept this. To the referee he says, "You want your ass cotton candied too mother fucker? Cuz I will cotton candy that shit, and with a capital K."
Yes, he said with a capital K. One of his spelling words last year was cotton. I am a poor teacher.
Everyone in the gym is angry, mothers are covering the ears of their children. DW stands up and shouts out "Cotton candy him kid. Candy dat ass!!"
DW is now ejected. Tyler then stands up to contest both ejections, when he is also ejected. He calls the ref a "Pansy ass mother fucker." DW then repeats it, except a lot louder.
At this point, everything is chaos. Tyrell is refusing to leave the court. All his teammates are cheering him on, as is DW. He is loving the attention. He then decides to drop his shorts, grab his penis, and tells the entire visiting side of the bleachers to "EAT THIS".
DW was barreled over laughing, headed toward Tyrell, I was in shock. DW actually goes out onto the court, and tryies to coax Tyrell off of it. Tyrell looks at DW, again grabs his penis, and suggests that DW "suck my twelve-year old cock."
DW looks up at me in the bleachers, gives me a seriously apologetic look, and signals for me to get down there. I grab my bag and Tyler, and we head down. Everyone is staring. I refuse to make eye contact with anyone.
Tyrell's coach is nearing him, when Tyrell announces " Coach get away from my cock!!!" I have never in my life seen a kid as out of control as Tyrell was at this point. I was truly amazed.
The coach warned Tyrell that the police had been called, when Tyrell decided to pull his pants up. He walks over to the bench, gives some of his teammates a high five, then exits the gym.
DW, Tyler and I follow him out. DW asks Turell him for an autograph. Tyrell agrees, we get to my car, and he scribbles his name on the McDonalds bag that was still in my car. He proudly hands it to DW. DW then says, "Kid, you have no idea how famous you really are."
I pull up to DW's house. Tyrell demands that DW kiss me goodnight. I about shot myself. I told Tyrell that this was inappropriate. He announced that his Dad's girlfriend kisses her friends all the time. DW laughs, kisses me on the cheek, and gets out.
The boys then fight over who will sit in the front seat. They begin punching each other. I stop the car, remove my seatbelt and turn around--just in time to see Tyrell clock Tyler so hard that his mouth starts to bleed. All over the back seat of my new car. I scold Tyrell and give Tyler my jacket to soak up the blood that is now gushing from his mouth. I did about ninety all the way back to their home. Luckily, his mouth stopped bleeding. I then turned them over to the care of the 20 year old girlfriend who asked me if I "had a smoke she could bum." I told her I didn't smoke. She asks "What do you smoke?"
I said goodnight and got the hell out of there. Next Tuesday I take them to see their dad in jail.
We love body parts
Your tax dollars at work. We've acquired actual footage of an attack on a stronghold in Afghanistan.
Prisoners need friends too
Welcome to WriteAPrisoner.com - a site helping real prisoners find real pen pals. Desperately lonely men and women prisoners are turning to us in record numbers to find friendship outside of prison walls. The people you are about to meet on this site range widely – in age, where they “live,” and more importantly, why they are in jail. But one thing they all have in common is unbearable loneliness and the aching desire for friendship.........
March 03, 2003
The Republic Of BeefyTreats
Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please rise for the singing of our National Anthem
They don't eat dogs on Korea?
Over the years we have all heard rumors about the Koreans eating dogs and cats. I have seen much more graphic things than this link I have provided below, but I have to say that the author provides a valid point in regards to the fact that farmers here treat pigs, chickens, cows, and plenty of other animals in the same manner. But when we think of handling dogs, cats, horses, and all other animals we consider to be "domesticated" this practice becomes insulting and vile to us. I, for one, have tried Horse meat and I loved it!! It's some lean shit!! Would I try dog?? Hard to say. Just don't tell me what the shit is and i'd probably like it.
Fact: Most of the horsemeat is produced in Alberta for export to the EU, Japan, Mexico and the United States. Total Canadian horsemeat exports were valued at $83.8 million in 2001.
I'm in the wrong business! haha
March 02, 2003
I Coulda Used These Last Night
Sometimes you get so drunk you can't see straight....But for those extra special evenings where you get so drunk you can't even talk this is what you need.
The Degenerate Dictionary (Volume 2)
1. Tea Bag - This act requires some additional tools: a handset from your neighbors phone, a rubber mallet from his tool box, and while your in his garage you might as well take his softball. These objects or ones similar should work well. Oooh ya don't forget a piece of lemon. As she lies on her back, you straddle her on your knees. Once your facing your opponents hairy patch, start to shove one object at a time into her hole (unlubricated works best). The pain or the embarrassment should keep her mouth open for quite a while. By the time you get to the softball she should be ready. While crouching over her proceed to dip your nuts into her mouth. Bite some lemon while doing this and continue the process. You are now tea bagging the slob.
2. Mudslide - For those with access to a garden hose, try a Mudslide. When your ho's drunk as Dean Martin sometime, pull your meatbag out of her kornhole and quickly jam the hose up the vacant cavity. Turn on the faucet full blast and stand back. Before you know it her eyes will bug out and a flow of Haitian river water will stain your sheets. I suggest writing her name in big red letters and hanging the sheet on the front of your house for all to see. For added pleasure, call her a dumb cunt and jerk off in her eyes. She'll thank you.
3. The Mugger - Some how your cock ends up in some hogs mouth and an unwanted thumb ends up in your chute. You retaliate back at your opponent by releasing a gust of swamp ass. You can guarantee that she would have rather been hit in the face with pepper spray.
4. Skull Cap - Your sitting on a couch or chair (preferably watching Baywatch). She's in front on her knees with your sack in her mouth. While she is sucking... you are stroking. As you begin your joyous release, grab the base of your shaft and (as hard as you can) tattoo her farhead with your cock. When done properly a full impression of a mushroom should be left on her bean.
5. Stumpin - (caution, this move requires imagination and balance). As you hover over a quadruple amputee, carefully insert what's left of her arms up your ass while using her knarled thighs to whack off. This should produce a stream of spunk which should land where a normal persons feet would be. You've now been stumpin.
6. The Circus Seal - press the twins to one side of your sack and let them fall from the hole in your BVD's. This should produce a beachball effect (painting your tool bag is optional). Proceed to straddle your dates face and pummel her nose with your bag of marbles. This works best when performed with a relative.
7. Slim Shaddy - This is when two cock chuggers get stuck together while riding the mudpole (similar to when two dogs get stuck). If you ever come across this situation... DONT IGNORE IT. Check the room and see if there's a third shit eater (there probably is). After you find him rip his meat bag off and jam it down his throat. Take your time and make sure he swallows every ounce of his own nut sauce. As for the other two "Faaags" put a leash around the lead "mo" and drag them both into a van or pick-up truck. Proceed to the worst part of town and dump them off. This act of deviance is not sexual but it sure is fun.
8. The Gummy Bear - is easily performed on a sleeping grandmother. While the old bag is in a pharmaceutical haze with her teeth in a glass, straddle her wrinkled mug and jam your naughty boy down her throat (through her gums) blowing your jack down her withered esophagus. If she wakes up, just tell her she forgot to take her pills and you were helping her. A fun variation on this is to turn around just as she wakes up, put her dentures in your ass and start screaming at her like a wild talking asshole (which, of course, you are).
9. The Pit Stop - You've spent all night boozing and courting a local slob, now it's time to go back to her place. Wrap up the chit chat by jamming junior down her throat. When her lips are wrapped good and tight around your meat whistle, let loose with that piss that's been building for hours. Her look of horror would normally be enough reward, but as she evacuates, her coughing and your continual stream will mark all of your territory, leaving you with even greater satisfaction. You won't be able to stop, so if she chases you, make sure the pursuit leads you to every corner of her abode, she'll appreciate your lawn sprinkler imitation.
10. ET - Next time you've got some dumb-ass fuck puppet ready to go, grab her purse and excuse yourself to the can while the drunken whore waits, lost in her own tangled bush. Get her mother's (or husband's) phone number from her purse while making fake shit noises. Flush the toilet for effect then grab the cordless phone on the way back to bed. As soon as you find yourself stabbing her bucket with your jonny, dial the number and hold the phone near her head with same hand your pulling hair with and bang away. Make sure you mention her name and ask her things like, "Who's the biggest whore in the world?" and "You like fat cocks up your dirt road don't you?". Then throw the phone on the bed and tell it's for her. A nice topper to this maneuver is to take her money and throw her outside nude and lock the door. I like to threaten to kill her if I ever see her again. You might have your own closing. Have fun. Be creative.
11. The Wooden Indian - Next time your banging a gook, stuff an old dime store wooden Indian up her cunt 'till she's dead. Then throw her in front of a truck. I call this the wooden Indian I think you will too. Great around the holidays. In the event an officer of the law should catch you, just mutter incoherently about Pearl Harbor and Nazis. You're sure to get off.
12. Oscars Treat - This ones for the outdoor enthusiasts: Make sure your next "first time" date is on the night before trash day. As you greet the "ho" at her front door you tell her that because of your OCD you have a ritual you must perform before you begin the date. Being the gentleman that you appear to be she obliges. Before the tuna machine knows what hit her, grab the rope from the front seat of your truck and hog tie her to the curbside mailbox. Quickly strip her rotten, and with the respect of a sailor on leave... fill every orifice with the nearby garbage. After giving her a few rabbit punches, spank one out in the mailbox and go home.
13. The Pitchfork - Pick up any Stevie Wonder lovin' blind slut... and while your fucking her dog, beat her senseless with that ridiculous cane. Because you're definitely gone straight to hell!
14. Puppy Love - It's Sunday morning and you're robbing a girlscout of her dignity and her future by giving her a sausage enema. You turn slowly only to find her pregnant basset hound chowing down on your filthy hole. With a swift kick to the doggy cunt of your attacker, you release a spew of bloody premature puppies from that bitches open wound. You than gather up their limp bodies and fire them rapidly at the girlscouts head hoping to connect with one fatal blow. If that doesn't work, fuck her again and then kill her and stuff the puppies up her ass. P.S. kick the dog again before you leave
15. The Big Top - Next time your at a carnival drag out the Fat Lady and a couple of midgets. Take them to the roof of tallest building in the city. Then have that fat ass shave each kickstand completely bald. When she gets done... role the nude little bastards in a ball and position them on each side of you. Stand up straight and start spitting up in the air while yelling "I'm a cock.... I'm a cock". Congratulations you are now the biggest dick in town. Before getting off the roof, FIST the fatty in the can and chuck the midgets off head first. This trick is slightly more fun while wearing a red rubber nose.
16. The Al Bundy - This activity is recommended for every married scum out there who's trying to do the right thing. While out with the boys you realize that you are surrounded by meat melons. To keep your mind off the screaming beaver go up to hottest hole in your grasp and begin to entertain her with your sharp wit. Classic one liners like "say your a toilet" & "put it in your mouth" or the always popular "show me your bush" should quickly win her over. The result is consistently a hearty kick to the nuts... and when you untangle them from your intestine, thank her for saving your lousy marriage.
17. Broken Necklace - A variation to the ever popular pearl necklace. It's that time of the month again and your slob has asked you once again to buy her something. "No problem" jewelry is what she wants, jewelry is what she'll get. Take the little monkey upstairs and force her to chug your turkey baster. After about ten minutes of fucking that hole in her face, pull it out and begin spanking all over her upper chest. Before you finish, take out the real thing from her jewelry box and choke her with it. As she turns blue take her empty purse and stuff it up her hairy patch. From then on she'll immediately appreciate the T-Shirt you got her last Christmas.
The Degenerate Dictionary (Volume 1)
1. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, (her, on her back, you straddle her chest) you proceed to shit on her chest--just for the hell of it. She then becomes the "Lunch Lady."
2. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
3. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This should give you a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
4. Golden Shower - Any form of dropping piss all over a girl.
5. Pearl Necklace - Whenever you cum on the neck area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
6. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty woman and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.
7. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you pull your penis back slightly before poking it back into the inside of her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to that of a purple mushroom.
8. The Flying Camel - As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like you would imagine a flying camel to sound like. Strictly a class move.
9. Fishhook - A variation of "The Shocker" (an uninvited digit placed in the girl's anus ) in which, with the finger still up there, you "hook" back in the direction the pussy. No real purpose here other than to think to yourself while doing it, "ahhh yes the Fishhook......". Another variation called the "New Jersey Meathook" involves sticking your uninvited digit in the girl's anus while fucking her from behind. You finger is then turned upward toward her back and you pull her entire body toward you over and over while she is sliding on your cock.
10. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
11. Dog in a Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
12. Felching - It occurs after you have been sticking your babe in the can, you bust your nut in there, back up and then pucker your lips up to her rim and suck out your ranch dressing. (This is also the first step of a very advanced maneuver called the Halmstad Hook).
13. Tossing Salad - One person simply chows box or asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, croutons, vinegar and oil, etc.
14. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits and or a large lock of hair as tight as possible and yell another girl's name or state "Ya know your by far the ugliest girl I ever fucked". This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.
15. Pink glove - This frequently happens during a marathon session (maybe a second round) when a girl is simply not wet enough. When you give up and attempt to pull out to give her money or whatever, the inside of her twatsticks to your hog like the inside of a leather glove. Thus, the pink glove
16. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing. Then spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and its. (Better in her bed). This is also a variation of the first stage of a Cleveland Steamer to be described later.
17. New York Style Taco - (Also known as a wet Betsy) - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you boot on her box. All the fixin's.
18. The Durty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name could be Dirty Sanchez. A very popular European variation of this maneuver called "The Hitler" involves a simple shit smudge under her nose, replicating the look of Hitler's mustache.
19. The Fish Eye - From behind, you shove your finger in her ass, thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing. At that point, you have received a "Fish Eye."
20. Tuna Melt - Lights out, you're down on a chick lapping away at an unusually juicy slab when you discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. A man of honor, by no means do you stop. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face. (this only work with chicks who REALLY cum hard).
21. Pole Vault - Originated by ancient Romans. When the female has sucked your pole to the point of ejaculation she swiftly inserts the index finger of her right hand into your anus. This surprise causes a subtle popping out of the eyes, a natural arch to the lower back and extra propulsion necessary to clear the high bar. Bruce Jenner added this to his warm-up routine after losing to Sergie Bubka in the 1979 Olympics.
22. Furr Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, you don't mind though, that is until a mammoth furr ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.
23. The Chili Dog - You take a shit on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.
24. A Hot Carl - A simple maneuver where you withdraw your shaft from the bowels of her anus and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning. Apparently some guy named Carl first tried this.
25. The Cleveland Steamer - Mentioned above in #16. After dumping your load on and around her chest--you position your ass just above your own pool of soup and sit in it, full weight, possibly causing her to gasp for breath. You then pretend to be pulling the whistle cord on a genuine Cleveland steam ship. As you make the loud noise you slide in your spunk from her chest to her bush smearing a spunk trail on her body in your wake. This can be done with the male facing either direction. The more authentic the steam whistle sound, the better.
26. The Halmstad Hook - As mentioned above in #12. This is a unique sequence of events named after a town in Sweden, where this apparently happens quite frequently. After dumping your spunk in her rear, the sauce is sucked out of the anus by the male. Once the sauce has transferred from her bowls to your mouth--the product that has been created is now known as "Swedish Cheese." The move is completed when the "Swedish Cheese" is transferred to the ladies mouth via a deep tongue kiss. You can cap this off with a swift stinging slap of her ass to show her how much you care and appreciate all her hard work.
27. Rapp-N-Poke - It's sat. night in the hood and you're lookin to stuff the Ho of the week. After the bitches 9 juveniles hit the streets for their evening violence,you stroll up in you're beat-up Cadillac an
hour late with two quarts of mad dog to set the mood. Don't forget to stop along the way to sell a glock and two rocks of crack to some under aged criminals. Now start the evening by yelling,"come here you
black bitch and suck my meat" Dip your oversized nigger-cock into some Kool-Aid and stuff it between her dishlipps. Constantly beat her like the slave that she is and pound your fist into that bubble ass. Now whack off into a bucket of extra crispy and put it over her head so she can't see the watermelon that you're about to volley off of her thick skull. After you shoot her, go to the porch, sit down, and don't work for the rest of your life.