November 30, 2003
Brazilian Plane Crash
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
Two Women Injured While Trying To Fry Turkey
NEW YORK -- Two women, who were badly burned as they tried to deep-fry a Thanksgiving Day turkey, remained hospitalized Friday at a Staten Island burn center.
Elsa Roberts, 56, was listed in fair condition and her daughter, Nicole Roberts, 27, was in serious condition, said Dr. Jerome Finkelstein, director of Staten Island University Hospital Regional Burn Center.
The two women were burned when the turkey fryer overturned, spilling the hot oil on them, the doctor said.
The women were frying the turkey at a home in the Borough Park section of Brooklyn.
November 25, 2003
Bologna smugglers in can
EL PASO, Texas -- Border agents scored a meaty bust when they seized 343 kilos of bologna arranged into the shape of a car seat and covered with blankets in a pickup. U.S. Customs officers seized 81 rolls of Mexican bologna Friday at the Paso Del Norte bridge as the pickup entered the U.S.
"It puts the consumer at risk," said customs spokesman Roger Maier. "Who knows how long these products have gone without refrigeration?"
Children were sitting on top of the illegal load, Maier said. The bologna sells for about $1 a roll in Juarez, but between $5 and $10 a roll in the U.S.
Submitted by Uncle Anus
November 24, 2003
Horses stolen, victimized near Echo Lake
By STEVE LYSAKER
Bigfork Eagle
Area horse owners, especially those around Echo Lake, may want to keep a close eye on their equine companions after two recent instances of abuse and theft.
A naked man was found having intercourse with a horse in a stable on McCaffery Road around 6:30 a.m. on Nov. 17. Flathead County Sheriff Jim Dupont said the man, still nude, fled on foot when the owner of the horse entered the stable.
"He left his boots and a bottle of hand lotion behind," Dupont said.
The incident came just days after a Flathead County deputy reported his horse missing. The horse had apparently been taken from its stable near Echo Lake early in the weekend.
The horse was back in its stable by late in the weekend with traces of lanolin around its rectum, Dupont said.
"It appears we have a serial horse rapist," Dupont said.
The sheriff's office is investigating, and Dupont advised horse owners to be vigilant.
November 18, 2003
Man Kills Puppy With Ax As Children Beg Him To Stop
LaGRANGE, Ga. -- A LaGrange man accused of hacking his estranged wife's puppy to death with an ax as three children begged him to stop faces animal and child cruelty charges, police said.
Stephen Jay Williams, 38, of LaGrange got into a fight with his 34-year-old wife at a home on Sunday, then killed her pet and threatened her with the ax, police said.
Children ages 9, 10 and 13 witnessed the attack. It's not clear if they are related to the suspect.
Williams told investigators he was upset because the dog had bitten him two weeks ago, police said.
Williams was charged with three counts of first-degree child cruelty, aggravated cruelty to an animal and aggravated assault. He was being held without bail Monday.
November 17, 2003
The 419 Eater
Four words ... THIS GUY FUCKING ROCKS!!
At one point or another in our lives we have recieved a fax or email outlining a problem in an African country where the wife of a President has been killed and she has a pile of money that needs to be tranferred outside of the country. Somehow they have chosen you to do this task if you wish to accept it. This is one variation of many, but you can all have hope now. Shiver Metimbers (aka.Mike) has been fucking with these assholes for quite some time now. He even has audio, emails, and pictures to back it up. I wish I would've found this guy when I was trying to do my own prank.
November 14, 2003
Jones Soda Co. To Launch New Jones Soda Flavor
November 12, 2003
Seattle, WA, U.S.A. - Jones Soda Co. (the "Company" or "Jones Soda"), announces today that it will introduce a new seasonal flavor in its popular Jones Soda line - Turkey & Gravy flavored beverage.
In time for the Thanksgiving holiday, Jones Soda will launch a limited production of the sugar-free and no carbohydrate Turkey & Gravy flavored beverage in the Washington and Michigan markets.
"We are really excited about the limited test launch of our new flavored Turkey & Gravy beverage. This seasonal flavor allows us to enter a new market segment, the meal replacement market. The new flavor will also appeal to new consumers, those who prefers a savory type flavor to the traditional soda flavors," says Peter van Stolk, President & C.E.O. "With consumers becoming more and more health conscious, Jones Soda's Turkey & Gravy flavored beverage is a zero calorie and zero carbohydrate beverage that can be served warm or cold with a full flavor that will meet and will exceed our customer's expectation."
Headquartered in Seattle, Washington, Jones Soda Co., manufactures its Jones Soda, Jones Naturals, Jones Energy and Whoopass brands and sells it through its distribution network in select markets across North America. A leader in the premium soda category, Jones is known for its innovative labeling technique that incorporates always-changing photos sent in from its consumers. Jones Soda is sold through traditional beverage retailers and everywhere you'd never expect to find a soda.
For further information, contact:
Michelle Whitehead,
Jones Soda Co
November 13, 2003
Anton Maiden Found Dead
Jesus Bonehead sent me a link earlier and stated that Anton Maiden (aka. Anton Gustafsson) was found dead over the weekend. He provided me with this link as a verification. Of course it was all in swedish and I couldn't understand a fucking thing. I did, however; manage to dig up a free swedish translator.
For those of you that aren't familiar with Anton Maiden, here is a little background.
Anton Maiden: Geek Superstar
A boy and his software
by Joel Schalit Published December 30, 1999 in Whoa!
Sweden isn't necessarily the first place that comes to mind when Americans think about European cool. After all, it's the country that gave birth to the seventies schmalz-pop band ABBA, the group responsible for enshrining the defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo in a similarly-titled million-seller.
Nonetheless, Swedish rock is making something of a vengeful comeback right now, particularly when it comes to exporting punk rock and heavy metal back to America. Swedes are making fashionable rock and roll, and it's hip to be Swedish again. Sub Pop's recent Swedish acquisition The Hellacopters are being touted as the trendiest thing around by College Music Journal, while their countrymen Meshuggah (Hebrew for "crazy") have become one of the most popular metal bands to hit this side of the Atlantic since the heyday of Pantera. No foreign invasion, however, would be complete without the importation of a third sensation to Sweden's new imperialist rock and roll trinity: the conspicuously uncool 19-year-old computer programmer Anton Gustavsson.
A student by day, he's a dedicated headbanger by night who records under the alter-ego Anton Maiden. Anton got play on America's college radio stations early last summer with his self-titled debut CD, an unauthorized recording of eight Iron Maiden songs sung in Anton's inimitable karaoke style. The songs were recorded on his home computer using free MIDI files of classic Iron Maiden songs that he'd downloaded from one of Scandinavia's burgeoning MIDI-module metal Web sites, the Iron Maiden Sound Archive.
Inexplicably satisfied enough by the quality of his recordings to put them online, Anton uploaded them to his personal Web site as MP3s. All of a sudden he found himself one of the very first stars of the international DIY Internet music era. Anton was getting played on Swedish radio, and was in heavy rotation on well-regarded American underground radio stations such as New York's WFMU and Berkeley's KALX. In a recent post to an Iron Maiden discussion list on the Internet -- where he was getting flogged by bewildered Maiden fans for having had the chutzpah to butcher their favorite songs -- Gustavsson smugly boasted, "I'm famous in my own country."
What gives? The secret to Anton's success is that he presents the ultimate portrait of the awkward music fan: alone in his bedroom, un-self-consciously singing in a heavy Swedish accent his own cheesy renditions of notoriously melodramatic heavy metal anthems. For the moment, however, Anton is unavailable to the world. Perhaps due to legal action from Iron Maiden, or the wrath of "authors" of the Iron Maiden modules that he used to sing his hits -- Anton's covers received a lot of bad press in the Scandinavian mod-metal community because he appropriated their work -- Anton's celebrated MP3s are no longer available. However, Anton is rumored to have a record deal, so we may be hearing from him soon. Until then, Matt Kelly at Cool Beans magazine has made one official Anton song available on a compilation disc.
Once you hear Anton, you'll never think Sweden is a synonym for Ikea again.
This was the first story:
http://www.bt.se/bt/btartikel.asp?version=173195
Police Are Begging For Help Finding Lost
Published: 2003-11-06 11:06
Police are requesting that common people help in find 23- year old Anton Gustafsson who disappeared from his accommodation in Borås sometime over the past few weeks.
Anton Gustafsson studies in Borås. He had left from his accommodation in Borås late on Friday or possibly Saturday. On the following Tuesday his disappearance had been discovered.
Anton Gustafsson is presumably wearing a blue jacket and jeans. He is around 180 centimeters tall and had normal build. He has dark blonde hair and blue eyes. He also wears glasses.
Police had spent most of the day in närområdet with bloodhounds and helicopters. We spoke with a teacher of Anton Gustafsson but he was a little distraught by it all.
If anyone know the whereabouts of Anton Gustafsson Please contact the police in Borås, or in Kinna.
The next day he was found dead according to this article:
http://www.sr.se/sjuharad/nyheter/arkiv.asp?DagensDatum=2003-11-07&Artikel=319298
Lost 23-year old found dead
15.45 | friday 7 november 2003
The 23-year old man from Borås who was lost for a week, has been found dead.
Police do not suspect foul play.
Police had sent out an army of men after he disappeared from his apartment late Friday.
November 11, 2003
Nazis and Retards: Coincidence?
Some say there are no coincidences. If you look hard enough, you can find the amazing convergence of events that link Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, Elvis and Jesus, or Dairy Queen and porno movies. Well, we just couldn't resist pushing the boundaries. Our psychic investigators at the Subtle Chunks Research Operation Terminally Undermining Mysteries (SCROTUM) have discovered a series of historical and behavioral convergences between believers in the Nazi party and people suffering mental retardation that shook our sanity to the core. Behold, if you dare... the first 66 of our findings:
1. Nazis shave their heads to demonstrate solidarity with the white race.
Retards have their heads shaved to prevent lice.
2. Nazis conquered Europe with large Panzer tanks.
Retards dominate the playground with large steel wheelchairs.
3. Ever notice how the Nazi salute and a retard's chest-thumping arm spasm are alike?
"Sieg Huuuuuhhhhh!"
4. Nazis want their own separate homeland, away from the lesser peoples.
Retards already have their own homeland: their own wing of the school and
their own special buses.
5. Nazis pinned bright, imposing medals to their chests to commemorate their
many military campaigns and victories.
Retards pin bugs, post-it notes, safety pins, and bits of yesterday's lunch to
their chests because they don't know any better.
6. Nazis like beating up people.
Retards like beating off on people.
7. Nazis especially like beating up "mud people".
Retards especially like eating mud pies.
8. Nazis often have tattoos on their arms and chest to show their undying racial
loyalty.
Retards often have marks on their arms, chest, and face from being allowed
to play with the magic markers.
9. Nazis march in large, noisy, goose-stepping lines.
So do retards.
10. Nazis like to lock people into small rooms and gas them.
Retards like the smell of their own gas.
11. A Nazi likes to salute with his forearm extended and fingers pointed straight
to show his unwavering passion and allegiance.
Retards like to stick their arm out to show you how proud they are of the
booger they just pulled out of their nose... before eating it.
12. Nazis conducted terrible experiments on humans... like grafting a bull's
testicles onto a man.
Retards try to replace the egg yolk with whipped cream... only to decide it's
really macaroni.
13. Nazis gather socially to sing "Deutchland Uber Alles".
Retards gather socially to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
14. Nazis burn books.
Retards try to set their farts on fire.
15. Many Nazis lead "double lives" and actually work and function within
society.
Many retards rinse off the urinal cakes at Denny's.
16. Nazis shout "White Power!"
Retards shout "Pooped my pants!"
17. Nazis want to exterminate all those non-Aryan people.
Retards want to exterminate all those invisible people wielding sharp forks.
18. Nazis traditionally speak with a thick, Slavic accent.
Retards traditionally speak with a thick, slobbery accent.
19. Nazis want to lock up all the Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals.
Retards lock themselves under the bathroom sink.
20. Nazis think they should only breed with other Nazis.
Retards can only get some with other retards.
21. In 1936, Jesse Owens humiliated the German Nazis and Adolf Hitler in the
Berlin Summer Olympics by outrunning the Aryan Germans and taking the
gold.
In 1994, 451 retards humiliated themselves in the Special Olympics by
running straight into a brick wall.
22. In WWII, the German Nazis almost defeated Great Britain by bombing them
in air raids.
Every night, the retards of the house get together to drop slinkies and rolled-
up socks down the stairs.
23.Nazis often walk with a swagger stick.
Retards often walk with crutches.
24. In the 1930's and 40's, thousands of people joined the Nazi party in
Germany out of nationalistic pride.
In the 1960's and 70's, thousands of people declared themselves as retards
to avoid going to Vietnam.
25. Nazis just love to sit down and discuss "Mein Kampf" for hours.
Retards just love to sit down and discuss "my crotch" for hours.
26.Nazis created mass graves of exterminated Jews in Eastern Europe.
Some retards keep mass collections of earwax under the matress.
27. Nazis often wore brown uniforms.
Retards often wear brown underwear.
28. Some Nazis believe that Hitler is really God and is going to come back.
Retards believe that if they keep knocking their own teeth out, the Tooth
Fairy will keep coming back.
29. Nazis were constantly taught the importance of eugenics.
Retards are constantly reminded to be hygenic.
30. Nazism was born out of Germany in the 30's.
In the 90's David Hasselhoff is #1 in Germany. RETARDS!!!!
31. Nazis button the collars of their uniforms all the way to the top.
Retards button the collars of their flannel shirts all the way to the top.
32. Good Nazis get medals.
Good retards get happy-face stickers.
33. Really good Nazis get the Iron Cross.
Really good retards figure out how to get their eyes uncrossed.
34. Nazis tend to dress up in leather collars and harnesses after dark.
Retards tend to be restrained in leather collars and harnesses after dark.
35. In 1944, Roemmel ordered Nazi forces to pull out of Africa.
Jerry, a tard, just pulled a month-old M&M out of his ass.
36. Many Nazis were actually saddened by the news of Hitler's death.
Many retards were saddened by the news of Mr. Hooper's death.
37. Some Nazis maintained a pagan reverence for magical, flying valkyries.
Some retards maintain a pagan reverence for magical, flying Teletubbies.
38. Adolf Hitler and the Nazis produced the first Volkswagen.
Retards puke in Volkswagens... and about everything else that has four
wheels.
39. Nazis going into battle wore distinctive steel helmets.
Retards going down stairs wear distinctive football helmets.
40. Adolf Hitler was also an artist.
Retards sculpt horses and pigs out of mashed potatoes.
41. Nazis like all things Teutonic.
Retards like to toot.
42. In 1945, Nazi Germany agreed to peace, ending WWII.
In 1998, Sammy (a tard) agrees to quit sticking his finger into the birdcage.
43. Nazis froze to death when attempting to invade Russia in the winter.
Retards tend to run around naked in the snow.
44. Nazis suffocated Jews in gas chambers.
Retards tend to suffocate themselves in abandoned refrigerators.
45. Some scholars argue that modern Nazis are outcasts of society who have
not completely developed or matured socially.
BINGO!
46. Nazis, when armed with the tools of modern medicine, want to see all
retards sterilized or exterminated.
Retards, when left alone with pointy things, tend to sterilize or exterminate
themselves.
47. Nazis fastidiously polish their boots.
Retards fastidiously polish their tennis shoes.
48. Nazis are willing to take on any task to further their cause.
Retards do not need to take their cause any further.
49. Nazis enjoy simple German fare... Grandmuter's potato soup, hearty
bratwurst, and strong ale.
Retards enjoy simple cafeteria fare... mashed green beans, meatloaf jello,
and chocolate milk.
50. The Nazis helped produce the greatest war of this century.
Retards have helped produce some of the greatest wards of this century.
51. Nazis often carried Lugers at their belts.
Retards often have loogeys on their shirts.
52. Nazis are often recruited by a large, bald, gruff father figure.
Retards are often cared for by a large, bald, gruff orderly.
53. Nazis bang their heads to ear-splitting heavy metal music.
Retards bang their heads when Mr. Rogers sings, "Won't you be my
neighbor".
54. Nazis drag hapless victims from behind their cars.
Retards drag used toilet paper from behind their shoes.
55. Nazis used the eagle in many of their insignia.
Retards love Big Bird t-shirts.
56. Nazis often left their homes in the care of big-boned disciplinarian
housewives.
Retards are often left in the care of big-boned disciplinarian aides.
57. When threatened, Hitler hid in a bunker.
When threatened, retards hide in the closet.
58. Nazis were easily enraged by the adventures of Indiana Jones.
Retards are easily amused by the music of Spike Jones.
59. Nazis are epitomized by Pat Buchannan.
Retards are epitomized by Pat from Saturday Night Live.
60. Nazis believe the state should run every aspect of its citizens' lives.
Retards pretty much need the state to run every aspect of their lives.
61. In the Atlantic Ocean, Nazi U-boats terrorized the shipping lanes.
In the bathtub, retard floaties terrorize rubber ducky and other tubbie toys.
62. Nazis spit on Jews.
Retards spit up their juice.
63. Nazis wanted to get their fingers on Jewish gold.
Retards use their fingers when digging for gold.
64. Nazis forced Jews to wear badges indicating their religion. (a yellow Star of
David)
Retards put badges on themselves indicating their deficiency. ("mY Nayme
is SKipppY")
65. Nazis were good at following orders.
Retards are good at taking your order.
66. A Nazi's greatest ambition is to clean the human gene pool.
A retard's greatest ambition is to clean the swimming pool.
November 07, 2003
Safety First!
Germans take their forklift safety very seriously. Enjoy this little sample of what it takes to become a competent forklift operator in Germany.
November 06, 2003
November 03, 2003
Drop Lift You Motherbitches
EVER WAKE UP FEELING LIKE THIS?
Nothing to do but stare at the wall and hope your stomach doesn't explode from all the cheap malt liquor your drank the night before? Are you in a band and can't get your CD out?
You should be out DROPLIFTING then.
It's the process of fucking up record stores. You take a bunch of CDs you've burned and strategically place them inside giant, faceless megastores or even the local tiny one's. Burn a few CDs of totally sick music by GG ALLIN or just underground bands that would otherwise never have a chance of hell of getting their CD in there then DROPLIFT the bitches right in the Display racks.
All you need is a Burner, some cases, a colour printer to print out some BS covers/inserts and some fake plastic shit to cover it with.
But what about the barcode?
Grab any of your old CDs and scan in the old barcode and change it using this
The last digit is the checksum so a typical barcode looks like this:
6-50557-01312-3
The first part is the manufacturer ID #er and the second part is the release number. (it is the price on regular coupon barcodes) and the very last digit is the checksum (3 in this case). Make up your own barcode or just scan in one from your favourite local band and give them money when people try to buy your bunk bullshit ripped CD.
Side Note:
(At this point you can also make up your own Coupons. On a coupon the second part is the price of the discount, so let's say the barcode looks like this: 5-21000-23030-8. the 3030 means 0.30. it's doubled for some odd reason. Now go to the barcode generator and enter "52100027575?". It will calculate the new checksum for you. Go into Photoshop and change the barcode on the coupon you just scanned and guess what? 75cents off whatever. Find a bigger coupon for a dollar off and change it to 40dollars off.) [props to 2600 for that]
Take your CDs you made and drop them into the display racks right beside the Beyonce displays, or the 50cent CD promotion, or just file them into the regular mould with all the others. Bingo! Free Distribution. Mega Stores are so stupid when they try to scan the CD in and it doesn't work they'll just sell it anyways.
While your droplifting, have more fun in record stores by finding all the offensive shit like ANAL CUNT and THE MENTORS and placing those on the display racks as well. Or move the ANAL CUNT GREATEST HITS CD at Virgin Megastore to the Top 10 staff picks area. Good times!
The Droplift Project will actually mail you their CD to further their Droplifting propaganda. But why when you can make your own?