Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday.
The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.

"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.

The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.

The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

Ice-T Producing David Hasselhoff Rap Album

Hard-core rapper Ice-T is grooming a new rapper, one that he says will astonish the rap world with his skills – David Hasselhoff.

Ice-T recently revealed that he and Hasselhoff, star of 80’s action television show “Knight Rider” and the worldwide hit “Bay Watch” are working on a rap album.

After striking up a friendship in Los Angeles due to the proximity of their residences, Ice-T agreed to produce Hasselhoff, who will reemerge as emcee "Hassel The Hoff."

"The man is a legend and we are going to show a whole new side of him," Ice-T told UK newspaper The Sun.

Hasselhoff, 51, is more than just a television actor. He is also a mega-star in Austria and Germany. He has released seven albums and the most recent, My America, went as high as #11 on the Austrian charts.

"The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humor," Ice-T said.

Hip-Hop has had an unofficial relationship with David Hasselhoff for numerous years. The theme music to “Knight Rider” has been sampled by various rappers over the years.

If Jesus Is The Answer

It must have been a stupid question. I took this pic last night while having supper with Bride Of El Duce on Commercial Drive in Vancouver.

Woman Bites The Bullet At Costco

(05-05) 17:43 PDT IRVINE, Calif. (AP) -- Costco workers checked the merchandise at its food court and found nothing out of the ordinary after a woman claimed she bit into a bullet while eating a hot dog, the company's chief executive officer said Wednesday.

Police interviewed workers and opened all of the approximately 25 remaining hot dog packages after Olivia Chanes, 31, reported the incident, CEO Jim Sinegal said.

"We checked everything thoroughly," Sinegal said by phone from Costco's corporate office near Seattle. "Obviously, it's regrettable. ... The question is when could something like this happen."

Chanes told police she was eating the hot dog Sunday afternoon at the store in Irvine, about 40 miles south of downtown Los Angeles, when she bit into something hard and found what officers determined was a live 9 mm round.

Chanes, of Mission Viejo, later went to the hospital complaining of stomach pains and X-rays found what appeared to be another bullet in her stomach, The Orange County Register reported. Doctors told her the metal round would eventually pass out of her system, the newspaper said.

The company CEO said he was not aware of any legal claim filed by Chanes. Police and the Orange County Health Department are investigating the incident.

The Hebrew National hot dogs are carefully prepared, go through a screening process and pass through a metal detector before they leave the factory -- making it extremely unlikely the bullets entered before distribution, Sinegal said.

"This is such an extraordinary thing," he said. "It's difficult to understand how this could have happened."

Judge to couple: "STOP FUCKING!!"

ROCHESTER, New York (AP) -- A couple has been ordered not to conceive any more children until the ones they already have are no longer in foster care.

A civil liberties advocate said the court ruling unsealed Friday was "blatantly unconstitutional."

Monroe County Family Court Judge Marilyn O'Connor ruled March 31 that both parents "should not have yet another child which must be cared for at public expense."

"The facts of this case and the reality of parenthood cry out for family planning education," she ruled. "This court believes the constitutional right to have children is overcome when society must bear the financial and everyday burden of care."

The judge is not forcing contraception on the couple nor is she requiring the mother to get an abortion should she become pregnant. The couple may choose to be sterilized at no cost to them, O'Connor ruled.

If the couple violates O'Connor's ruling, they could be jailed for contempt of court.

"I don't know of any precedent that would permit a judge to do this," Anna Schissel, staff attorney for the Reproductive Rights Project of the New York Civil Liberties Union, told the Democrat and Chronicle of Rochester. "And even if there were a precedent, it would be blatantly unconstitutional because it violates the United States Constitution and the New York Constitution."

Neither parent attended the proceeding or secured legal representation. The mother waived her right to a lawyer, and the father never showed up in court.

The mother was found to have neglected her four children, ages 1, 2, 4 and 5. All three children who were tested for cocaine tested positive, according to court papers. Both parents had a history of drug abuse. It was not immediately clear if the father had other children.

A case worker testified that the parents ignored an order to get mental health treatment and attend parenting classes after the 1-year-old was born.

The mother was still in the hospital after giving birth to her fourth child in March 2003 when authorities took the infant, according to court papers. Investigators said the mother was unprepared to care for the infant.

Attempts to reach the youngest child's guardian were unsuccessful. Information on the other children's guardians was not immediately available.

Attorney Chris Affronti, who chairs the family law section of the Monroe County Bar Association, said he's not sure how the ruling could be enforced.

"I think what the judge is trying to do is kind of have a wake-up call for society," he said.

Man survives six nails driven into head

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- A construction worker had six nails driven into his head in an accident with a high-powered nail gun, but doctors said Wednesday they expect him to make a full recovery.

Three nails penetrated Isidro Mejia's brain, and one entered his spine below the base of his skull. Doctors said the nails barely missed his brain stem and spinal cord, preventing paralysis or death.

He made his first public appearance Wednesday since the April 19 accident that left him with 3 1/2-inch nails embedded in his face, neck and skull.

He told reporters in Spanish from his wheelchair that he does not remember much about the accident, but is grateful to be alive.

"He says that he's very happy to be alive," said Dr. Rafael Quinonez, a neurosurgeon who removed the nails at Providence Holy Cross Medical Center. "And he told me this morning that he thought he was going to die. He was happy when he opened his eyes, and he saw that he's still with us."

Mejia, 39, was atop an unfinished home when he fell from the roof onto a co-worker who was using the nail gun, Los Angeles County sheriff's Deputy Mark Newlands said.

The two men tried to grab each other to keep from falling, but both tumbled to the ground. At some point, the nail gun discharged and drove the nails into Mejia's head.

"They're extremely powerful," Newlands said. "They've got to drive through three-quarter-inch plywood."

Quinonez said Mejia told authorities he remembered a "shock" to the back of his neck and little else before passing out.

"We did not have too much hope that he would survive, but we did it and he survived," Quinonez said, calling the recovery "close to a miracle."

Mejia is walking with minimal assistance and speaks somewhat slowly because his brain's speech center was affected, but his progress has been "remarkable," Quinonez said. With rehabilitation therapy, he should fully recover, he said.

"He is basically normal," Quinonez said.

Five nails were removed the same day and the sixth, in Mejia's face, was removed April 23 after swelling went down, the hospital said.

Authorities cleared the co-worker of any wrongdoing.

Creepy Olsen Twins Frighten Me

I'm scared of the Olsen twins. Seriously, there are so many creepy things about Mary-Kate and Ashley, it's hard to know where to begin. Like, why are they ALWAYS touching each other?

Seems like every picture you see of the twins has them snuggled up against one other, with Mary-Kate's arm draped lovingly over Ashley's thigh or Ashley's face buried in Mary-Kate's hair.

I guess I simply don't understand how you could spend virtually every moment of your whole life with someone -- your own sibling, no less -- and be able to stand touching them at all, never mind smooshing up against them like it's all you can do to stop yourself from ramming your tongue down their throat. Again, ewww!

I can't quite wrap my head around the whole Mary-Kate and Ashley fandom thing. They're not good actresses. They don't seem particularly interesting or bright. It takes roughly a Cher's worth of make-up apiece to make them not resemble really skinny orangutans, and a flat of Wildcat to make them anything approaching attractive.

I would suggest everyone who sees New York Minute next weekend file a suit against the Olsens to get their $10 back. Except if you're willing to pay to see that movie, the complexities of launching a lawsuit are probably beyond you. Along with dressing yourself and wiping your own bum unassisted.

So where does this Olsen adoration come from? From teen and pre-teen girls, I guess, and parents who appreciate the twins' squeaky-clean image.

I've got no problem with that. I just hope there's not too much shock and trauma in whitebread North America when some supermarket tabloid headline screams, "OLSEN TWINS CAUGHT IN NAKED COCAINE ORGY! WITH ELVIS! AND BAT BOY!"

This whole "countdown" thing until the twins turn 18 is intensely creepy as well, and that's coming from a guy who has Michelle Trachtenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as his desktop wallpaper.

If you're pervy enough to have fantasies about skanky twin teens that you've been watching on TV since they were in diapers, does them turning 18 somehow make it OK? Gross, gross and also gross.

Teenage girls being exploited as sex objects is nothing new, sadly, and I'm not saying that even I would turn down Lindsay Lohan if she asked me out. Platonically, of course. Yuh-huh. But the level of creepy obsession with the Olsen twins is baffling.

Let me say it again: they are NOT hot. Their money, fame and power might be alluring - the girls will supposedly be worth a billion dollars by the time they're 21 - but all my eye can see is taller, frighteningly thin versions of Full House's little monkey-faced baby. Oh, and my apologies to monkeys everywhere. Ook ook.

Disability Cited in Roller Coaster Fall Death

BOSTON — A 55-year-old man who died after falling out of a roller coaster shouldn't have been allowed on the ride because he was heavy and had cerebral palsy, his mother said Sunday.

Germaine Mordarsky said her son, Stanley J. Mordarsky, could barely walk and used a motorized scooter for transportation.

"How could anybody as heavy as he was go up and spin up in the air like a yo-yo? It doesn't make any sense. He was over 200 pounds, maybe 225 pounds," Germaine Mordarsky, 82, said in a phone interview from her home in Bloomfield, Conn.

Her son fell Saturday from the Superman Ride of Steel roller coaster at Six Flags New England in Agawam, Mass., about 90 miles west of Boston, park officials said.

Park officials said Mordarsky was able to board the roller coaster by himself, according to broadcast reports Sunday. The park, under the federal Americans With Disabilities Act, must allow disabled people on rides if they can get in the rides by themselves, the officials said.

Christine Cole, a spokeswoman for the Massachusetts public safety office, said state inspectors examined the ride after the accident and planned to issue a report in the "very near future." She said no timetable was set for the report.

Cole said the ride would remain closed until the park provided information that state safety officials requested, though she did not specify what that information was.

Mary Ann Burns, a park spokeswoman, said Six Flags was cooperating with the investigation. "We're going to just wait and see what they conclude," she said.

Witnesses described Mordarsky coming out of his harness as the ride hit a curve, spinning through the air and hitting a rail before falling down on the ground.

Hey Crackhead!!

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt